i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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