fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
