Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
