I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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