I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
