My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
