It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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