great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
