He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
