In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
