I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Are we still banned from the library?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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