Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
