I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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