The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
