i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
