Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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