Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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