So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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