I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
