So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
