someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
