If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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