The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
