im about as happy as oj after his trial
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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