Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
