Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
