you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
