I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
