I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
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so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
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Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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