I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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