I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
