my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
