Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
