so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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