as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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