theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
