Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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