I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Someone shattered a urinal.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
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