If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
