Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
