If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
