The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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