So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
