my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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