You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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