I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
