I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
