Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
