i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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