HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I don't think brook has ever known best
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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