True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
