She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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