Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
