this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
