I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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