dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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