The maid of honor just puked.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
