I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
