I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
