i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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